Astoreth does Ferelden Part 11: The Circle
by Natmonkey
Summary: Follow Astoreth as she traipses through Ferelden and shares her thoughts and wonders. In this instalment: our heroine and her friends arrive in Kinloch Hold yet again, with a nug for Cullen. Amongst other things...
1. Eternity Right Here

_Welcome to the latest instalment of _Astoreth does Ferelden.

* * *

"Hmmm..." With a content look on his face, Jowan emerges from between my thighs. "I could spend eternity right here," he declares dramatically, lazily twirling a finger around my still sensitive button.

My breathing has returned to normal, the fuzziness in my head lifted slightly. "How many times was that now?"

"Five times." He grins happily. "Only a few more, and then I'll give you what you want."

"Darling please, just give it to me now." I'm never too proud to beg. "I need to feel you in me..."

My lover slowly shakes his head, a naughty look in his eyes. "No... I will do with you whatever I like. You should be happy I give you this kind of attention." With a wicked smile he slowly pushes two fingers into me, making me almost purr with delight. "Did your templar ever spend hours on making you finish again and again?"

"No, he didn't." Not that he ever had the time for that. "Carry on."

I shudder when his breath brushes my most sensitive area. "Do you remember my lucky number?"

"What, _nine_?" I prop myself up on my elbows to shoot him an incredulous look. "You want to make me come four more times and bring the counter up to nine?"

"No." His face breaks into a devilish grin, narrowing his eyes to slits. "I'm going to make you come nine more times." And with that he dives between my thighs once more.

Whatever I wanted to say is swiftly eradicated under the ministrations of his skilled tongue. Why would I want to complain? He's right; I should be happy he gives me this kind of attention. I am, really. Makes me melt into a quivering, mewling little puddle of mindless pleasure. Wears me out. Helps me sleep and keeps away the dreams about darkspawn.

So nine orgasms later, I'm panting like a dog and barely conscious. Jowan positions himself behind me, gently coaxing me onto my side, and carefully runs a hand over my breasts. His lips cover the back of my neck with light kisses. "Do you still want me?" He teasingly rubs the tip of his erection between my lips.

I buck my hips in his direction, slightly pushing him in. "Damn right I do." I crane my neck for a kiss. "You know I _always_ want you."

With a slight chuckle he fully eases into me. "I'd make love to you all day long if I could." His hand moves down to caress my belly. "You've become so big and round," he murmurs affectionately into my ear. "Lovely."

"You think so?" I arch my back and tilt my pelvis so he can get in deeper. "That's so, _ooh_, sweet of you." Time for me to shut up; I can't really talk with that fine, wonderful, fantastic... Oh my. Oh _yes_.

Afterwards my love snuggles up to me, sighing contently. "Satisfied?" he queries.

"Yes, I'm well pleased with your performance, my sweet." My eyes quickly fall shut after this delicious treat. "Goodnight."

"I think we should stop doing this at some point," Jowan muses.

I suddenly don't feel so sleepy anymore. "Say what now? You really expect me to live without sex? _I would die_!"

"Aren't you exaggerating just a little bit?" He chuckles. "It's just that you're very far along and it might bother the little one."

"Oh?" I roll over to face him. "What do you know of babies and pregnancies?"

He shrugs. "Not much. But better safe than sorry, right?"

"True..." I cradle my belly in my hands. "I wouldn't want to hurt my precious little pumpkin, no, I wouldn't!" What will this child look like? Like me? Like Cullen? Like the both of us? I'm anxious and a little scared to find out, because ejecting something very large from my vagina sounds awfully unpleasant. But no doubt it will be worth having my own sprout, a little human that I can take care of and raise. I never thought I would become a mother. A big old fool like me. The more I think about it, the more I feel sorry for this child.

Jowan laughs joyfully. "That's so sweet. You'll make a great mom." He bends to lovingly kiss my forehead.

"You think so, really?" I sigh. "I often fail so hard at life, it's a bloody miracle I'm still here."

He scoffs. "Don't be silly. I've seen you in action; you're doing fine. And if all else fails, you can always try hiding behind Alistair or something."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he would gladly defend you with his life," he chuckles. "He really adores you, you know that?"

Interesting. "Is that so?" Not that I didn't know already; his doting on me kind of gives it away.

"Sure is. Whenever we're standing guard together it's 'Astoreth this, Astoreth that'. Kept talking about how you comforted him after it turned out his sister was a bitch and how great it was you went out of your way to save the arl's family, blah, blah, blah..." Jowse rolls his eyes and laughs to himself.

I press my cheek against his chest to listen to his heartbeat. "So instead of making sweet love to you, he goes off on a rant about me? Shame."

"Oh, still with the fantasies of us, little pervert?" He gleefully messes up my hair. "You are incorrigible."

Oh no. Thinking of Alistair tenderly kissing Jowan and then going a bit further has awakened strong feelings of longing in me. Just the suggestion makes me so bloody horny. Well, if I can't have him in me, there are other ways of having fun with a man. I push him onto his back and slide under the covers. How I love showering his beautiful body with kisses.

"Tori, what are you...?" What was probably going to be 'doing', quickly turns into a pleasantly surprised moan as my tongue goes to work. Why does he even ask? He should know what I'm all about by now. So let's see if I can make _him_ come fourteen times.


	2. Southern Pony

My poor darling only got up to six and then literally passed out. Same thing the next few nights, heh. Imagine the possibilities if he were to become a Grey Warden too. Not only would he stay on with us, but he and I could make love for hours, nay days on end! Sounds great. Sadly it's not meant to be. We're back again, looking up at the phallus rising out of Lake Calenhad that's been our home for so long. After Morrigan's comment, I can never look at that tower the same way again. Penis.

Shale looks the building up and down. "Is this where the mages are imprisoned?"

"You said it." I nod. "But this is where the Circle of Magi is based, yes."

The golem laughs and turns to Sten. "I am told that the qunari put mages on leashes. Leashes! What a delightful concept!" Naturally she would find that amusing. I don't think I'd like being led around by a leash, although some might find the notion titillating. Jowan on a leash, tee hee. As if he's not my pet already.

"It is not something that one should take pleasure in. It is done because it is necessary," the giant replies gravely.

"Here we are," Jowan murmurs beside me, turning my attention away from the discussion between Sten and Shale. "Greagoir is probably itching to scream at me."

"Knowing how angry he was at your flight, probably." I take his hand in mine. "So, do you think you will be executed, or made tranquil? You're still an apprentice, after all."

He raises an incredulous eyebrow at me. "Yes, let's speculate about how I will meet my end, shall we? Maybe there is some special punishment for blood mages who lead innocent sisters astray. Like quartering, or..."

"Oh come on, the Chantry isn't _that_ barbaric," Alistair mingles into the conversation. "I'd put my money on beheading or hanging."

"So at least it will be quick." I thread my fingers through his and rest my head against my lover's shoulder. "We're making light of this now, but I will miss you."

My hand is released so he can draw me into a tight hug. "I know, my love. I'm sorry."

"I'm going to miss you too," Alistair adds morosely. "You're a good listener."

Jowan laughs heartily. "I don't have a choice about that, do I?" Even with what is going to happen to him, he is bright and cheery. "But seriously, I will miss our conversations."

"Our one-sided conversations, you mean?" Alistair returns sourly. The boys move on to one of their friendly bickering sessions.

Leliana appears beside me. "They get along so well." She smiles. "I will miss your friend; he has proven himself a good man over the course of our adventures, no?"

"So he has." The closer we get to his end, the worse I feel. The more I want to invoke that Right of Conscription to save him. But then he would feel guilty about still being alive, and I would feel guilty for making him feel guilty and then he would feel even more guilty because I feel so guilty and we would all be caught up in our own little vicious cycle of guilt. Not a good idea. He got to see the world a bit, have some near-fatal adventures and experience crazy lovemaking sessions with me. I suppose he's led a decent life.

"Is there truly nothing you can do for him?" Wynne lays her hand upon my arm and shoots me a worried look. "Will you be all right?"

Somehow I manage to smile at her. "What do you think I have been doing all this time? I will be all right. Thank you for your concern, Wynne. We will probably have to wait for the others so they can say goodbye." I roll my eyes. "No doubt Oghren will want to pelt him with some more innuendo. Tapping the midnight still. Forging the moaning statue..."

"Bucking the forbidden horse," Leliana adds with a giggle.

Wynne laughs. "Polishing the footstones." She snorts loudly. "_Donning the velvet hat_!" Before long, us girls are rolling over the ground, giggling like maniacs.

"Hey, what are they having so much fun about?" Alistair asks with a tone of jealousy in his voice.

"Nothing it would understand, I'm sure." Apparently Shale has joined the 'Alistair is stupid'-faction that Morrigan is the president of.

Sten shrugs. "The women were exchanging innuendo the dwarf told them."

"Oh, things like buttering the southern pony?" Jowan giggles to himself.

"Why would you want to put butter on a horse?" The Warden sounds very confused.

My mage bursts out laughing. "For flavour! But I'm sure Astoreth will tell you all you need to know about that in the time to come." Well, that's presuming a lot. Although I might...

"Oh, good! I could use some cooking tips." Alistair beams; he still has no idea. Cute. "How about we go to the inn and get a couple of rooms?"


	3. Good Old Days

Later that night I hear a knock on the door of the room Jowan and I share. We spent the entire day the same way we did when we were kids, just lying in bed and talking about everything. Nugget was scurrying about the bed, strangely enough, sometimes squeaking. As if he knew something big was about to happen. I whined about how I wanted strawberries and cream, and Jowan complained about the lack of good snacks here. Andraste's tits, we're like a couple of old geezers reminiscing about the good old days. And in a way, we are. I _feel_ really old anyway.

Ugh, I don't even want to get out of bed. But the knocking continues. "Yes yes, I'm on my way." Halfway there I double over; another one of those odd cramps I've occasionally been getting all day. They don't hurt though. I've also been leaking some weird slimy fluid, from my girly bits. It's so embarrassing, and I have no idea what in Thedas this means. Hope I didn't catch some terrible contagious disease or anything.

Outside I find a familiar party of four. Stubbs barks happily and wags his tail as soon as he sees me. "Doggie!" I get on my knees to hug him. "Hey guys, how was your trip?" The other three look very, very tired.

"Never leave me alone with these two again!" Morrigan cries out indignantly. "If it hadn't been for your beast, I would have killed them."

Oghren scoffs, simultaneously leering at the witch. "It's not my fault you choose to walk around like that."

"Surely you had _some_ fun, dear Morrigan." Zevran chuckles and attempts to curve an arm around her waist. His hand is immediately slapped away.

"Do you see what I have had to put up with?" If looks could kill... "And my reward?" Morrigan impatiently holds out her hand to me.

I chuckle and remove the row of tiny bangles from around my wrist. A while ago I found them somewhere, these delicate gold and silver bracelets. Probably in an abandoned chest or something. Maybe I barged into someone's house and stole a family heirloom; I can't quite remember. "Here you are."

She immediately slips them around her own wrist and shakes them, listening to the tinkling noise they make. "This will do."

"Glad you like them. If you wish to retire for the night, Leliana and Wynne are right next door."

"Goodnight, Astoreth." Haughtily ignoring the others, she makes to leave. Stubbs whines pitifully and bumps his head against her hand. With a deep sigh Morrigan scratches him between the ears. "And you too, dog." Finally she gets to retire, leaving behind a happily panting hound. He really likes her.

I eye the large sword Zev is carrying in his arms. It does look similar to the one I bought near Orzammar. "You were obviously successful. How'd it go?"

"Such an unpleasant character that Dwyn was." The elf scowls. "But when our fine dwarven friend here threatened to chop him in half, he became far more agreeable."

"Speaking of which, where is my booze, woman?" Oghren demands gruffly.

I slowly rise to my feet, with a lot of effort. "Give me a moment."

As soon as I'm standing, the dwarf grins. "Whoa Warden! Look at those chest hams!" With a lewd chuckle, his eyes become plastered to my chest. I'm so glad I repaired Cullen's old shirt, let me tell you. As quickly as my heavy legs can carry me, I retrieve the bottle of Chasind mead I was saving for a special occasion. "Much obliged." Oghren gleefully takes the alcoholic beverage from me and moves into the common room.

"You didn't run into too much trouble, did you?"

Zevran shakes his head. "No, there was no trouble. Our expedition was almost insultingly easy."

"Good." I take the sword from him. It's really bloody heavy. "I'll give this to Sten then. Coming?"

"Certainly! I would love to see any kind of reaction from that man." The Crow laughs heartily. "If I may say so," he adds as we walk over to where the men sleep, "you look very voluptuous."

I roll my eyes. "I'm two people; of course I'm voluptuous."

"I meant in a deadly sex goddess kind of way." His hand reaches out to pet my round belly. From his joyful smile, I would guess that he really likes that.

"Do you have some kind of fetish for pregnant women, Zev?" It wouldn't surprise me. Pervert. But look who's talking.

He shrugs. "I might. And what if I did, hmm?" His arm snakes around my waist, his warm hand resting very low on my hip. Such boldness.

"I would be ever so flattered." I wink and blow him a kiss. Kind of a stupid answer, seeing how it's only my pregnancy that would be sexy in that case and not me, but judging from the way he perks up, at least he thinks it's a good answer. It was very mean of me, snubbing him the way I've done. And now that he has travelled all that way at my behest, I should be a little nicer. Not that this means I will let him into my bed now. Nope.

"And what of _my_ reward?" His scent of sweet spices surrounds me as he brings his face close to mine. How handsome he is. "Perhaps you have something special in mind?"

I gently push him away a little. "I'm sorry; see, Jowan and I..."

"Oh that is right, we are here to hand him over to your Circle, yes?" Zevran gives me a slightly worried look. "And then what? It is obvious he is more to you than just a means of relieving tension."

"Indeed." I can't help but look a little sad. "He's been my best friend for most of my life, and when he's gone, I will be crushed. But I'll get over it. Alistair knows, so you can claim your money now, by the way."

The hand on my hip disappears to awkwardly pat my back. "Then forgive me my lack of respect. I will stop bothering you." With a slight cackle the assassin rubs his hands together. "For now. Finally I win my bet! How did he find out?"

"Jowan kissed me right in front of everyone and brought our affair to light." Just thinking of that colours my cheeks red. "He's always had a flair for drama. Anyway," I look at the door before me, "why don't you go in first and make sure nobody is naked or anything."

He raises a curious eyebrow. "Are you sure? If I were you, I wouldn't mind seeing Alistair naked at least." Snickering under his breath, he continues: "Being me, I don't even mind."

"_Oh_, is that why Oghren calls you a pipe-cleaner?" Well, this certainly opens up all kinds of possibilities. Too bad Jowan isn't into other men, or the three of us could have so much fun together. Or I could watch them having fun. Hehehehe...

"Yes. Does that bother you?" His tone is some kind of mixture between worry, light heartedness and accusation.

I laugh. "Certainly not! I find it rather intriguing." I gesture toward the door. "After you."

Zev quietly opens the door, peeks in and gestures me to follow. Alistair is just a human-shaped, snoring lump under the covers and Sten is still awake, giving his blade a good polish. Stubbs immediately bounds in to greet his friend. "You have returned," the giant concludes solemnly, giving the dog a friendly pat on the head. Stubbs licks his hand and immediately gets onto the bed to cuddle up to Alistair. Silently Sten stares at me.

"Surprise." I present him his sword; thank goodness it's sheathed. But this time, he takes it from me almost reverently.

"Strange." The man looks down on it, seemingly deep in thought. "I had almost forgotten it." Directing his gaze to me, he says: "I would thank you for this, if I knew how." His hand caresses the blade, probably subconsciously.

I nod. "You're wel..." Wincing, I double over. This one did hurt. "Sorry, I've been having cramps all day. Anyway, you're welcome."

Zevran puts his hand on my shoulder. "Cramps, you say?"

"Yeah. They were few and far between earlier today, but..."

"I don't think you're having cramps," the elf says hesitantly. "The baby is probably on its way."

Sten promptly picks me up and races into my room. "Out of the way, blood mage," he commands Jowan, who is for some reason occupying the bed diagonally. "Your woman is about to give birth."

My lover starts awake. "Already?"

"Seems the nine months are over." Somehow I expected this would hurt more. "Could you get Wynne for me?"

The qunari carefully lays me down as Jowan jumps out of bed to call the old lady. "Are you in pain, Warden?" This display of care is rather odd, but you won't hear me complaining.

"No, not yet." I lay my hands around my belly. "But I bet I will be."

Moments later Wynne comes in with a worried look on her face, all the others in tow (except for Oghren, who is probably drinking himself into a stupor). Some look very, very sleepy. "How are you feeling, child?"

"I'm fine for now." I give her a thumbs up. "So what will happen? Can you tell me?"

"Your contractions will come more often en become more painful..." Wynne appears to be digging into her memory for these lovely facts. "It might take a few hours. Perhaps an entire day."

_What_? "A _day_? I..." Suddenly I feel very, very wet. Uh oh. "Say, Wynne?" I beckon her to come closer and whisper into her ear: "This is quite embarrassing, but I think I just peed myself." And here comes another contraction. Ouch.

"Your waters must have broken. Everybody out!" the old lady cries. "We need more privacy here."

Under several wishes of good luck my friends exit the room; all save my beloved. "Can I stay?"

"Only if you'll hold my hand." Despite the pain, I feel my lips stretch into a smile as he grabs my hand.

"Jowan, make yourself useful," Wynne commands. "Try finding some towels and hot water."

Reluctantly he leaves the room to do as he is told. I grab all of the pillows and prop them under my back to be more comfortable. Another delightful spasm racks my body. _Argh_!

"I'm sorry, my dear, but I'll have to be very intrusive." The old lady peers between my legs, probes me with her fingers. "You seem to be doing well."

Momentarily Jowse walks back in, a large tub of steaming water in his hands, towels slung over his arms and shoulders. "How are you doing, sweetie?"

"I'm in pain! _Come here and hold my hand, damn it_!" This time I can't hold back a scream. This is not going to be pleasant.

* * *

_You're going to have to forgive me if something seems off about what happens before a baby is born; a website can only tell you so much. And I thought it would be going a little too far, getting pregnant and finding out for myself just so I could use it here, so... =P But any reader who has had a child: please tell me if anything is wrong, if you like. I'll change it ASAP.  
_


	4. Welcome

_Hey guys! Thanks for all the feedback on my previous chapter =D. Lots of moms here. _

* * *

And so it is done. Months of inconvenience followed by hours of pain and moments of agony have resulted in the tiny creature contently suckling my breast. It was all worth it. My son, my perfect little angel. It's funny, you know. Previously I'd always thought I could never love anyone more than I do Cullen and Jowan, but now I know I was wrong. I love my child so much it's like my heart is flowing over with affection. We have a bond, this little fellow and I.

The boy has my nose and mouth, and his father's chin. For now his eyes are too small to see properly, but I bet that when they have fully opened, they will prove to be the same warm chestnut brown as Cullen's. For now he only has some fuzz on his head, so there is no telling what colour hair he will have. It wouldn't surprise me if it would turn out to be copper. Thankfully, he isn't tainted at all, even though I was already pregnant at the time. This truly is a blessing. I don't think I've ever been happier than I am now. Over the moon.

Jowan lays an arm around my shoulders, presses a soft kiss on my cheek. "I'm so proud of you. Look at the beautiful child you've brought into this world." He reaches out to carefully stroke my baby's dirty face. My little angel needs a bath.

"Thank you for staying by my side all this time." My voice is hoarse from all the screaming I've done. Some of it was about how I would never let a man near me again. It was a heat of the moment thing, naturally. Wynne was kind enough to take care of my wounds down there (I think I tore something, because she stitched me up), so I'm good now. Just very wide in the vaginal department. And my gut's all flabby. Ew.

My darling smiles. "Anything for you, my love." He's glowing with pride, almost as if he fathered this child himself. Well, he did get to cut the umbilical cord, which is apparently the father's job.

"Wynne, thank you so much for getting me through this." In response the old lady smiles at me as she cleans off her hands. "I don't know what I would've done without you."

"Don't be silly, my dear." She waves her hand dismissively. "It was no trouble. Shall I let the others come in? They will want to see your baby, I'm sure."

In the meantime the little one has stopped feeding. He's contently smacking his lips. How adorable my precious pumpkin is. I get him into an upright position against my shoulder and rub his back. No idea why, I just know I'm supposed to do it. Then he burps loudly. "Aw, good boy. Sure, they can come in." It's going to be crowded with everyone in here. Morrigan and Alistair might start fighting and before you know it, death and dismemberment. Still, it is awfully pleasant to be surrounded by friends. And people you've been around long enough to tolerate.

My companions trickle in and begin spouting out praise about the baby pell-mell. Very soon the room is a cheerful disorder. "Guys!" I manage to yell above the din. "Calm down and come see him one by one."

They neatly line up in a single file, with the exception of Alistair and Morrigan, who are fighting to be in line before one another. Eventually the witch wins; ever the gentleman, that Alistair.

The first to come is Leliana. She claps her hands and squeals. "How cute!" Making all kinds of cooing noises, she scratches the little boy under his chin. The baby remains unfazed and just seems to be studying her intently. It's amazing how calm he is; Wynne had to slap his bottom several times before she could get a noise out of him. But he's healthy, and that's what is most important. "Born merely moments ago and so well-behaved already," the bard chuckles. "Congratulations, dearest one. Your son is absolutely darling." After a hug she finds herself a spot on the bed to sit and admire the baby from a small distance.

"For all your screaming earlier, you look pleased with yourself, Grey Warden." Sten looks at my child. The child looks back. "Strange. He is very quiet." After another staring contest, the qunari finally declares: "I approve."

"At least it doesn't cry and wail." Shale shrugs. "I have nothing else to say about it." She lumbers away, mumbling under her breath. I pick up the words 'squishable' and 'tiny'; better keep my child away from her.

Stubbs bounces onto the bed, next to Leliana. He gives my son a thorough sniffing, making curious whining noises all the while. "This is my baby, Stubbs." I scratch him between the ears. "My puppy, if you will." He barks in understanding and nuzzles the little one's face.

Zevran joins the party too, but instead of looking at the baby, he stares at my bosom. "Hmm, well done," he drawls absently. "When are you going to breastfeed?"

"_Zev_!" I slap his arm. "I thought you said you were going to stop bothering me?"

"Oh, yes." He chuckles and looks at the newborn. "Hello there, little man. I rather envy you." Another leering look at my chest. Incorrigible.

Beside me Jowan snickers. "Well, aren't you popular?"

"Oh woohoo, I'm tickled pink." I roll my eyes. "Hooray and stuff. So how did you know that the baby was about to arrive?"

The assassin shrugs. "I grew up in a whorehouse; pregnancies were rare, but they happened. Once I had the dubious honour of being present when one of the women was giving birth." A furious shudder goes through him, while his face unconsciously twists in disgust.

"A whorehouse, aye?" Interesting. "You must tell me more about that later."

Before he can answer, Morrigan shoves him out of the way. "Let me see..." She looks curious and is smiling, which I don't see very often. "'Tis such a beautiful child." Her yellow eyes are glittering with joy as she carefully caresses the little one's cheek. "You have done well, my friend." In an uncharacteristic display of affection, the witch bends down to embrace me.

"Thank you, Morrigan." I have no idea what else to say. The woman keeps surprising me.

And finally, Alistair. My fellow Warden kneels by the side of the bed. "He has your nose," he says happily, tickling the little one's nose with his finger. When the child unexpectedly grabs a hold of his finger with his tiny hands, Alistair laughs. "So how are you? It sounded like you were in serious pain."

"Oh, you could say that." I chuckle and run my fingers through my son's fuzzy hair. "Imagine squeezing out a melon through your penis, and you'll know more or less how it feels."

The Warden winces. "Ew, that bad?" His face pulls into a pained expression. At least the boy knows how to empathize with someone. "But the question is, what will you name him?"

"Yes, what will this little darling's name be?" Leliana coos, playing around with his little toes.

"Collin!" I blurt out. It just popped into my head, like some kind of an epiphany, but it feels like a good name. "In honour of the boy's father and the only other Grey Warden in Ferelden, I'm going to call him what _you_ think his father is called."

Alistair smiles and touches his hand to his chest. "Really? I'm so glad I could help."

Subsequently the room is filled with congratulations and calling of the newborn's name, until Wynne comes in and shoos everyone away. "Our new mother needs her rest." Under her arm she has a large, paper-wrapped package. Well, my curiosity is piqued.

I get some more hugs, the baby gets touched a little more and out all my companions (who aren't Jowan and Wynne) go. "I have a little gift for you, my dear." With a bright smile the senior enchantress hands me the package.

"For me? I should be getting _you_ a gift!" Nevertheless I tear the paper open. Out of the wrapper come some amazing robes, simply amazing. Different shades of blue. Corseted waist, which is very convenient for me right now. Fur shrug, matching stockings, the works! "Maker's breath, Wynne, this is beautiful! And the enchantments on it are awesome." This is by far the best enchanted piece of clothing I've ever seen.

"It is just a little something I picked up for you in Denerim," the old lady says shyly. "You deserve something nice after all you've been through." She softly strokes Collin's tummy. "He's so beautiful."

I blink away a tear. "I don't know what to say, Wynne. Thank you so much. For everything." Oh great, now I'm getting all emotional.

"It was my pleasure." She bends down to press a motherly kiss on my forehead. "Now rest, and I will see you tomorrow. Goodnight, children."

"Goodnight," my love and I say in unison. After another affectionate look at the adorable little fellow she helped bring into the world, Wynne exits the room.

Jowan, who was resting his head against my shoulder, yawns. "Aren't you tired?"

"Tired? No, actually." I chuckle. "I feel very energetic." It's strange, considering how my body has taken a beating today. Suddenly I feel a pair of little hands tugging my shirt. "Are you hungry again, pumpkin?" As soon as I've bared my breasts, he immediately latches onto the left like his life depends on it. This nursing doesn't feel like anything, except for maybe a slight tingling sensation, but it does alleviate the heaviness in my chest.

"Oh, I could watch that for hours." My lover looks intently at the baby and what he's doing. Apparently he's not so sleepy anymore. "I wonder what it tastes like."

I shrug. "It's probably not so different from cows' milk. Why? Do you want to taste it?"

"Definitely. And I want to drink it straight from you." There is a plea in his eyes, and more than a hint of desire. "Please? Just one sip?" Under the sheets, his hand caresses my thigh.

Ah... I swear, if my genitals weren't torn to ribbons earlier today, I would be riding his cock right now. But Wynne warned me not to have any sexual intercourse for a few weeks for me to mend properly. The baby has pushed away my breast and so I lay him over my shoulder again for a burp. "I'm not sure if I should let you; they're Collin's food source now, you know."

"Please, mommy?" Jowan begs in a child-like voice. "He won't mind. Look, he's almost asleep."

True enough. The little one is opening his mouth wide and yawning, barely able to keep his eyes cracked open. Very soon his little chest is rising and falling in a slow, steady rhythm. "Very well then, one sip. Just one."

My lover immediately closes his lips around my right nipple, sucking gently. Apparently it takes him a while to get a good mouthful. Or he's doing it as slowly as he can because he likes having my nipple in his mouth. Eventually he swallows audibly and licks his lips, a pensive look on his face. "No, it doesn't taste like cows' milk. It's much sweeter." He grins. "I like it!"

"So glad you approve." I look down on my son's sleeping face, then at Jowan's. A new life begins, and another ends. "I will see you off to the tower tomorrow."

"Thanks." He yawns and cuddles up to me. "I'm glad I could be there to help you through this, and to see your little boy."

I rest my head against his. "I'm glad you stood by my side. You're always there for me. What will I do without you?"

"You're going to end this Blight and raise Collin to be a good person." He cups my face in his hands to press a tender kiss to my lips.

Just then I hear the door creaking, and Oghren stumbles in. "Oh, so _that's_ what all the screaming was about," he jabbers. No doubt all that mead has gone down his gullet. Casually he saunters up to the bed for a look. "Aw, look at you!" Gushing and cooing, the dwarf tickles Collin's chin. "Cuuuuute." Well, what do you know. Babies apparently bring out the doting fool in everyone. The child's nose wrinkles in what looks like disgust, a frown appearing on his face.

"Well, there's clearly nothing wrong with his sense of smell." Jowan's voice is nasal from pinching his nose shut against the alcoholic vapours that have apparently soaked into Oghren's pores.

The dwarf shoots him a disdainful look. "At least the kid is lucky not to look like _you_," he scoffs. "Yeah, you look like your hot mom, don't you?" Grinning like an idiot, he continues petting the baby. "Boy or girl?"

"Boy." Aw, seeing the tough warrior like this brings a smile to my face. "His name is Collin, after his dad."

Oghren looks at me in confusion. "How'd you figure that? I thought his name was Johnny, or Jimmy or something."

"It's Jowan," the mage corrects him. "And he's not my child."

"No?" The dwarf hums thoughtfully. "Then why are you with her? Damaged goods, a woman with some other guy's kid."

My lover lays an arm around my shoulders and grins. "Just look at her. How could I resist?"

"True." A selfsame grin appears on Oghren's face as well. "I'm not sure if I could pass up a gal like that myself."

I look at the both of them in turn. "I'm... right here, you know." And flattered.

"Yeah, that you are." Uttering his typical lewd chuckle, the red-haired horror's gaze travels down my face, right into my cleavage. The nerve. "Well, I'm off to bed. And don't forget: I want a front row seat at your next breastfeeding."

"Hope springs eternal, Oghren. Goodnight." Like I'd ever let him watch me like that. Without answering, the dwarf teeters out.

"And that was our comic relief." Jowan laughs. "It's been a long day, love, we should probably get some sleep." He kisses my cheek and nestles into the pillows. "Goodnight."

I look down on him, lying there so peacefully. "I'm not sleepy yet, so I might be up a while. Sweet dreams, Jowse." Not long after a non-committal grunt, his breathing tells me he's asleep. How does he do it? No doubt there will be death waiting for him in Kinloch Hold. And apparently he's not too shook up from it. I wonder if Nugget will miss him. I know I will. It's sad that Collin will probably never know the one man who has played such a major part in my life. And he will probably never meet his father either. Cullen's not stupid, he would recognize this child as his own. And then who knows what might happen? Nothing good, I imagine. Better that I not let him see this little angel. Then there's the fact that a child born to a mage of the Circle automatically belongs to the Chantry. No way I'm letting those people get their hands on my son.

All you need is your mom anyway, right, pumpkin? I caress the baby's face; the frown disappeared as soon as Oghren was out of smelling distance, back into a blank expression. No matter what happens, he will be the one man in my life I can count on. And he can always count on me. I cradle the little one close to my chest, press a kiss on his forehead. Welcome to Thedas, little Collin Amell.

* * *

_About the seemingly random name: it's how my dad named me. The doctor asked my parents what they would name me, and he just blurted out: "Natmonkey!" (Yes, that **is **my real name. Really.) At least there's some reasoning behind "Collin". His unwillingness to cry when being spanked, is baby Draguna's little peculiarity. And the staring is me again. My father tells me I was in the habit of staring people down until they got very uncomfortable. Maybe you didn't want to know that, but now you do. _


	5. Baby's First Bath

_Ladies (you're all women, right?), I apologize for the long wait, but I have a good excuse: I've been without internet for more than a week. I swear, it's giving me withdrawal symptoms. Yesterday I went on a quest for free wifi, and everywhere it sucked. Sofa King slow. So now I'm at my friend's house, soaking up his bandwidth. Thanks for your patience! I have no idea when I'll be able to upload the next pages though. Sorry. _

* * *

Baby's first bath! I made sure the water wasn't too hot, just pleasantly warm. Collin is resting on my arm (so he won't get in too deep and drown), visibly enjoying the soft cloth rubbing his tummy. Yesterday he was still a bit blue and dirty from all the blood and other icky things, but now he's all rosy pink. Even his eyes have opened a little farther. Long, pretty lashes, just like his dad. And just like I thought: chestnut brown. He's such a handsome boy, yes he is. Just look at those tiny fingers, and those tiny toes. The cutest thing I'll ever see. "Yes, you like bathing, don't you?" I run the cloth over his arm. "You're awfully quiet, Collin."

And as usual there is no response. Not even a little one. Well, if I keep talking, eventually he'll start too. Oh yeah, that reminds me. No more swearing in front of the baby. Before you know it, his first word will be "fuck" or something. That would make me a bad mother, wouldn't it? I lift my child from his bath and wrap him in a towel. Damn, why didn't I buy baby clothes? I'm such a fool. A knock on the door. "Yes?"

Leliana cracks the door open and peers in. "May I come in?" After my nod she slips into the room. Another paper-wrapped package! "I have something for you."

"Oh my, I should give birth more often." I give her Collin so I can tear the paper to shreds. "Wow, thank you!" Baby clothes. "I didn't have any yet, thank you so much. And they're so cute too." A sunny yellow colour. Very soft. Perfect clothes for my perfect little boy.

"You are welcome." The bard is reverently rocking my baby, a delighted look on her face. "There is also something else I should have given you long ago, but I kept forgetting it." She hands me a hefty tome with a raised hand on the cover. On the palm of this hand is a cross.

As I open it, the title reveals itself: _Spirit_ _Healer_. The introduction yields the contents of the book. _Kiss it and make it better. For mages who want to develop their nurturing side_. Flipping through its pages, I see methods of summoning the energies of benevolent Fade spirits to heal more than one person at a time and so on. Even a spell that might bring someone back from the brink of death. This is just like the stuff Wynne can do. Finally I'm going to be more than marginally useful! I squeal and plant a loud kiss on Leliana's cheek. "_More healing spells_! Thank you so much! Oh, everyone is going to benefit from this."

"I am so sorry I only thought of it just now." She smiles. "After that incident with Marjolaine, I wandered through Denerim and ended up in a delightful little shop. 'Wonders of Thedas', it was called. They had the most remarkable things, like an adulterer's head preserved in honey."

"Really?" Yuck. My face twists into a disgusted expression on its own. "That sounds a bit gruesome."

Leliana utters her melodious laugh. "It was, a little. But then I saw this manual and thought of how you always take care of everyone. So here it is, my gift to you, for helping me with my problem and being a nice person in general."

I fling my arms around her (taking care not to squish my baby). "That's so sweet of you, Leliana. I really appreciate it."

"It was my pleasure, dearest one." She softly presses her lips to my cheek. "I shall leave you alone with little Collin." And so she hands him over to me and walks out the door.

"Time for you to wear your new clothes, pumpkin!" I notice an unpleasant smell. "But first, you need some cleaning up." This won't be my first time cleaning my baby; last night, while I couldn't sleep (not it would've been that great a sleep anyway, with the child demanding to be fed at regular intervals), he went number two on me. I can wipe my own ass, so why wouldn't I be able to wipe another's? You just have to be more careful with such a delicate creature. Easy as pie, and you get used to the smell. It's my own child, after all. "There you go, all clean."

The child studies me intently as I lay him on the bed to put his new clothes on. He probably wants to commit my face to memory. And that of everyone else he encounters. It's a good thing Wynne let me hang with my bum off the bed while giving birth, or this mattress would have been thoroughly ruined.

"Well, aren't you adorable?" Jowan suddenly gushes beside me. He'd left the room to get ready for his no doubt dramatic return to the tower. With a delighted smile he picks up the baby to cradle him to his chest. "You look like a happy little sunflower, yes you do!"

I tug at his fancy shirt. "Where'd you get this?" It's a beautiful-looking thing, silky and soft. The colour looks great with his eyes. Periwinkle blue. Smells like cinnamon. "Did Zevran give you this?"

"Yes. He said I had to look nice for my last day." He twirls around. "How do I look?"

"You look wonderful, darling." I peck him on the cheek. "Normally I would be tearing it right off you, but you know..."

He laughs heartily, rocking Collin in his arms. "I know. I wouldn't be too eager either, if I'd just pushed a smaller person out of myself." With hungry eyes he looks me up and down. Apparently the sight of me in nothing but a patched-up men's shirt and knickers appeals to him. "Why don't you get dressed, before I ruin your stitches?"

"Oh, you naughty boy!" I playfully swat at his arm. "Will you two be all right all by yourselves then?"

"Don't worry mommy," Jowan squeaks in an even higher-pitched voice. "Uncle Jowan will take good care of me."

I raise my eyebrows. "Say what? Ew Jowse, that just sounds plain creepy. But I'll trust you." After giving my little pumpkin a kiss, I exit the room with my new robes. It's such a relief I'm no longer lugging around a great big round belly anymore.

Whew, it's been a while since I've been able to give my hair a good wash. Leliana lent me her soap, which has the most wonderful smell. Must be something she took with her from Orlais. Sometimes frilly, frivolous things are so much fun.

Fresh as a daisy and squeaky clean, I put on a pair of clean knickers and one of my new brassieres. I'm getting used to how constrictive these things are. The bodice was without boning, much more supple and comfortable. This is just as well though. My knockers are so heavy now, I really need some extra support. Who knew a small supply of milk could weigh so much? Suddenly I feel a lot more sympathy for cows.

Well I'll be... I can't get these robes to close. Shit! My gut is still too big. Ugh, good thing I happened to take my old robes as well. They're plenty wide. I was so looking forward to wearing these gorgeous new things. Shame. They will have to wait until I've lost a bit of flab. Maybe I will leave my hair down today. I hate to admit it, but Daniela was right; always that same old bun is boring. Variety is the spice of life, and all that.

* * *

Everyone has gathered in the room where we spent the night, and apparently they all have said goodbye already. Should I be worried that Morrigan is holding my baby? Probably not. I doubt she would hurt him, and she seems to like having him in her arms. Maker's breath, but I hate occasions like these. Death, loss, sorrow. Wonder how I will feel after he's gone. Not too happy I imagine. Gutted, probably. How he can look so cheerful is beyond me. Well, probably because Leliana just gave him a hug. Don't think I haven't seen his interested look whenever his gaze is directed at her. But who could blame him? Certainly not I. Maker knows I have somewhat of a roving eye myself.

Jowan is talking to Alistair in an animated fashion: "So then I said to him: that's what _she_ said! And then he goes..."

"Jowse?" I lay my hand on his arm.

He quickly turns. "Ah, there you are. Come to say goodbye as well?"

"Sort of." I shrug. "I will be going with you anyway, so here is the short version." Tears are stinging my eyes, but they disappear when I blink a few times. "Goodbye, dearest friend." I wrap my arms around him.

"Friend?" he murmurs inquisitively.

I let him go and try to smile. "No matter what we have now, first and foremost, you are still my oldest and dearest friend." Grasping his hands, I let out a sigh. "I will miss you terribly."

"You'll be fine. Really, you don't need me." He kisses my forehead. "You are a strong woman, and your friends adore you. They will look after you when I'm gone."

"Yes." Alistair lays his hand on my shoulder. "I'm here for you." Wow, he sounds sad. I'm such a selfish bitch, you know? All this time I've been whining to myself about how much I will miss Jowan, but I forget that there are others who also care about him. Like Alistair. Those two have become such good friends, and now the poor Warden is about to lose the one he might talk to boy -things about, whatever those may be.

"Thanks, Alistair." I raise my shoulder to briefly rub my cheek against his hand. "I appreciate that. Are you going to come too?"

He looks at the mage. "If I may."

"Sure." Jowan nods, suddenly more serious. "The more, the merrier. Now, let's go. I've delayed this long enough."

* * *

_I realize that Astoreth wanting to do it pretty much immediately after giving birth is unrealistic, to say the least. I know that. And I don't care, because I've pretty much already put her down as some kind of crazy sex-fiend and she will always be that way. Besides, it's fiction. You're meant to take it with a grain of salt =P. _


	6. Goodbye

_Still got no fucking internet. It's even become so bad that the people who are supposed to be solving the problem, are telling me that I should solve it myself. Like I got the damned tools or know-how for that. So anyway, new chapter. Finally you get to see Jowan's fate. Read it and weep. _

* * *

All the way across the lake Jowan kept quiet. He looked pale and was constantly chewing his lip. Now that his sentence is so close, he's no doubt getting a little anxious. Even Nugget was squeaking all the time. Beside Alistair, only Stubbs insisted to come with us. Not even Wynne wanted to join, because she fears Irving will plead with her to come back and stuff like that. I left Collin in the old lady's care; before we took off I fed him, and I literally had to lock myself inside the room the men had spent the night in with Sten posted before the door to prevent Oghren and/or Zevran from forcing their way in. Why are they so interested in breastfeeding anyway? Nutters.

So as it turns out, this boat can only hold _two_ other people. Stupid Carroll; we could've all been sleeping with the fishes on the bottom of Lake Calenhad. I thought it was a bit cramped with the four of us stuck in there. Kester is having a busy day. First Alistair and Stubbs were ferried over, then Jowan and myself. Poor thing had an iron grip on my hand the entire time. Well then, the templars have opened the doors. Time to go in and find the first enchanter and the knight-commander.

Oh, lucky us. They're in the entry hall, apparently idly standing next to each other. You'd think they have other stuff to do, what with the tower in shambles and everything. Maybe they knew we were coming, but they both look so bored I highly doubt that. "Greetings, gentlemen." I raise my hand.

"Finally decided to arrive, have you?" Greagoir answers sourly.

I raise an eyebrow. "I beg your pardon?"

"A few months ago we received word from Redcliffe that a Grey Warden would deliver an apostate to the Circle," Irving chuckles.

"Better late than never." Alistair bows gracefully, which is no mean feat in that beautiful armour Sophia left us. "My sincerest apologies, but we ran into several delays on the way."

Oh. How very nice of him. All those "delays" were my fault. I mimic his gesture. "Yes, what he said."

"That is quite all right, Wardens." The knight-commander still doesn't sound very happy. Not like he ever has sounded happy anyway. "We will take Jowan from you now."

My friend and beloved turns to me, wrapping me in his embrace for the very last time. "Goodbye, Tori. It's been good travelling with you." His warmth seeps into me as he captures my lips in a kiss that seems everlasting. The very last one. When he finally releases me, I see resignation in his eyes.

"I'll never forget you." I sigh. "Thanks for everything." There are all these things I would like to say, but I just can't seem to find the right words. "I love you," I whisper softly into his ear. That's nothing those two old men should be hearing.

He smiles and reaches out to caress my face. "And I you. Do everyone a favour though." A lock of my hair is twirled around his finger. "Wear it like this more often."

"When the archdemon is dead." I can't help but return his smile. "Then I'll have plenty of cause to leave my hair down." And so our goodbyes are done.

"Thanks for everything, Alistair." The two share one of those manly hugs where they awkwardly pat each other on the back and make sure they don't get too close. "You've been a true friend."

The Warden nods morosely. "You too. I really liked having a buddy." He lets out a long breath. "Well, goodbye then."

"Best of luck to you. Give that archdemon what for!" Jowan grins. "Goodbye."

Whimpering pitifully, Stubbs bumps his head against the man's leg. The mage crouches so they are at an even level. "Stubbs..." He vigorously rubs the dog's head. "Take good care of your lady for me, okay?"

The hound cocks his head with a quizzical whine.

"I have no idea what you're saying." Jowan hugs the mabari's massive frame. "You're a good dog. Take good care of yourself."

Stubbs barks in reassurance and licks his face, which makes the mage wipe away the drool, grimacing.

"I'd like to ask you something, knight-commander, if I may." Poor Nugget is writhing against me, squeaking anxiously. "Because Cullen was the only templar here left alive, I thought I should bring him a gift. Is that all right with you?"

The old templar gives me a blank stare. "Why are you asking me this? Surely you don't need my consent."

"Not if it were just a box of chocolates, no." I show him the nug. "But this is a living creature, a pet."

Gingerly Greagoir takes the animal in his gauntleted hands. "It looks harmless enough." He briefly inspects Nugget as he twitches in his hands. "Very well, you have my permission. But tell the boy he must look after this creature himself."

"I will, thank you." I hand Jowan the nug. "You'll want to cuddle with him once more, no?"

"Definitely." He cradles the creature to his chest. "Goodbye, Nugget. You're the sweetest little naked rabbit-pig in all of Thedas." After a wistful sigh, he returns Nugget to me. "Guess this is it then." He turns toward the two grey-haired men. "What is going to happen to me?"

It is Irving who speaks. "We will proceed with the Rite of Tranquillity. Although your crimes are severe enough to warrant a death sentence, there is only a handful of mages and templars left and we need all possible help to rebuild the Circle."

"So..." Jowan blinks in surprise. "I'm not going to be killed? You will leave me alive?"

"Yes." Greagoir nods, obviously not very pleased with this punishment. "After a great deal of debate, Irving has convinced me that the Rite is the best course of action."

My friend turns to me. "So this means we could still see each other! Promise me you'll come visit."

"I don't see the point." Tranquil scare the crap out of me. "You won't even care, so why would I... Oh, fine. I'll come visit you if I can." Can't resist the puppy eyes. This is the last time I will see them from him too; after the Rite, there will be nothing left but an empty shell. No doubt seeing him like that will really hurt, but I owe him this one last favour. For all the comfort he's brought me. For all the love he's given me. For having been my friend for most of my life. For just, you know, being him.

"Thank you." Jowan looks at all three of us in turn. "Goodbye, my friends. And good luck." With that, Irving and Greagoir escort him away.

I hug Nugget to my chest. "I should give this to Cullen and then get out of here. Are you going to come with me?"

"Yeah." Alistair sighs wistfully. "He was acting so strange the last time, I should make sure he won't try to hurt you."

"I'm sorry." I link my arm with his. "You're really attached to Jowan, aren't you?"

He shrugs. "It hardly matters now. Let's just go."

Prepared to climb several stairs, I'm actually quite pleased to find Cullen in what still remains of the library. He is engrossed in reading a book, brows knitted together as he is leaning against a book case. Judging from his blushing, the book must be exciting. It doesn't look like he gets a lot of sleep; he looks pale and there are dark shadows under his eyes. And his beard isn't as carefully groomed as I remember it to be. His hair could use a comb. In short: he looks like shit.

"Hello."

He looks up upon hearing my greeting. "Oh, hello." And then his face turns dark. "Great, you brought your insane friend."

"Ah, get bent," Alistair mutters, showing him a rather rude gesture. I'm really rubbing off on him. "Do you mind if I just go back? It seems safe enough." His demeanour is utterly miserable, poor thing.

"No, of course not." I give his hand a little squeeze. "This probably won't take long, so I'll see you in a bit."

Stubbs, in the meantime, has padded over to Cullen and is sniffing him with great interest. He finally sits down and barks, happily wagging his tail. "Nice dog," the templar says dryly, patting him on the head. But then Stubbs does that thing where he sits on his bum, raising his front legs in the air, and the ghost of a smile breaks through. "Aww..." He grabs one of the hound's massive paws, simultaneously rubbing him behind the ears.

"Stubbs, go with Alistair." The mabari barks in response and walks over to the Warden. "Be cute, try to distract him, okay?" Another bark and the two go on their way, my hound guiding Alistair outside by the hand. Hm, that poor boy looks so sad, with his shoulders slumped like that. Time to return the favour he did me what seems like ages ago: I will take care of him when I get back. Not that I don't feel vaguely sad myself. Guess we'll have to comfort each other. "So, what were you reading?"

Cullen abruptly snaps his book shut. "Nothing! " He hides it behind his back, as if I really care to know about his reading matter. "What brings you here?"

"Jowan." I sigh. "Just brought him back."

"First you help him escape and now you turn him in?" the templar asks incredulously. "Where is the logic in that?"

I sigh again. "No logic. I wouldn't have done it, but he insisted. And now he will be made tranquil."

"Well..." Cullen shoots me an unreadable look.

"Well _what_? Are you going to go off on some rant about how he should actually be killed for what he did?" I place a hand on my hip and glare at him. "I'll have you know he's been a great help in..."

He raises his hand to shut me up. "No, not at all. I wanted to say he's lucky he will not be put to death. The knight-commander was clamouring for his head, and yours, after his departure. Now at least you can still see him. He is your best friend, right?"

"Right. For a long time he was the only friend I had." I chew my lip. Too bad Jowan won't actually give a crap when I visit him.

"And now you have the idiot who kidnapped me. Aren't you lucky?" He scoffs, obviously still upset about that whole event. It's been months, for crying out loud.

"Get over it; he meant well. Anyway, I have something for you." I show him Nugget, and the templar's eyes grow wide. Probably never seen one of them. I can't believe I actually have a child with this guy and can't tell him about it. Well, I certainly can't risk him going berserk and killing me.

"Uhm, thank you?" He accepts the nug, giving it a weird look. "What _is_ this?" His eyes scan the twitching creature in his hands. "Where did you find a bald rabbit?"

"That's not a rabbit. It's a nug, a little souvenir from Orzammar." I carefully take him back. "Take your gauntlets off and pet him properly. He's really soft, you'll see."

Grumbling under his breath, he pulls off one glove. "Oh, you are right." He slowly pets Nugget's back, a delighted look on his face. "It feels a bit like velvet."

"So it does. His name is Nugget, and you can feed him practically anything. Enjoy." I turn to walk away, but a hand on my shoulder stops me.

"Thank you, for the nug. Why don't you stay a little longer?" He smiles wanly at me. "Tell me of your travels; I could really use some distraction from... you know."

I run a hand through my hair. Fine, just a few minutes. "Sure. Are you having nightmares?"

"Every night." He nods gravely. "I don't sleep much anymore."

"That explains why you look so shitty." I dodge a slap half-heartedly directed at my face. "Hey, hey, real men don't hit girls." I brush a few strands of hair that have fallen into my eyes behind my ear. "Do you want to hear my stories, or not?"

Cullen gasps loudly. "Maker's breath, what happened to your face?"

"My face?" I feel around, but notice nothing out of the ordinary. "What? Do I have food stuck to it or something?"

"This scar, how did you get it?" Apparently without thinking, he reaches out and traces the line on my cheek. It's as if his skin is charged with electricity, sparks flying into me just like old times. Huh, I'd almost forgotten about that scar and the attempt on my life. "It looks terrible."

I wave my hand dismissively. "It was just a botched assassination attempt, nothing to get your knickers in a twist over." I clear my throat. "Okay, so there we are in the Frostback Mountains, and these idiots come running up to us with their weapons drawn..."


	7. PeePee Dance

Halfway through the tale of how we saved the day in Orzammar, Cullen smacked his forehead and explained how he was tasked with feeding the prisoner. This prisoner has apparently been in solitary confinement for a long time, even during the troubles. That's the guy who keeps escaping, if I recall correctly. I've never met him, but I've heard of his many attempts at becoming a full-time apostate. It's kind of a surprise he's not been executed yet.

And then the templar sheepishly admitted he still had to make the food to feed said prisoner with. He kept staring at me with this pleading look in his eyes, and so I buckled. We prepared the meal together, which was actually quite fun. The best part was that we weren't awkward around each other. At all. He listened attentively while I finished my story during the cooking (Nugget sat on the table like a good boy and munched on the carrot Cullen had given him) and kept pretty quiet himself, but he didn't seem uncomfortable around me. And I didn't feel that way either. Perhaps this means we can be friends at some point. That would be nice.

I managed to talk the templar into giving me a huge crate that used to hold potatoes; see, I've read terrible stories of mothers accidentally killing their children. They would sleep with the little ones in the same bed and roll onto them in their sleep, suffocating them with their weight. Just horrid. I'm going to line this crate with fabric and soft pillows and blankets and stuff, and that way Collin will have his own bed of sorts. Sometimes I have good ideas.

Cullen returned to the library, to the book he didn't want me to see. How silly. I don't care if he secretly enjoys reading about the noble art of crocheting, or whatever. Though it's probably not about crocheting if he was blushing from reading it. Hm. So now I'm to deliver this food to the prisoner. I didn't even know we had a cell in the basement. A man with a short blond ponytail, dressed in fancy robes, is sitting on the floor of the cell, back turned to me. "Hello, uh, prisoner? I have your food here."

"It's about time." That voice... The prisoner rises and turns in my direction. Well now, he is rather good-looking. I like that earring he's wearing. I'd do him. What the... Where did that come from? That's not very respectful, Astoreth. Ah well, that's me for you. "Huh." He quirks an eyebrow at my presence. "Where is that sullen templar?"

"Cullen wasn't in the mood to feed you." I open the hatch in the door and slide the tray with his dinner through it. "Sorry about the delay. I was keeping him busy." That sounded rather dubious, but I make no apologies. That only makes it worse.

With a chuckle the mage promptly dives into the food. "I'm sure you were." He eyes me curiously between shoving handfuls into his mouth. "You look vaguely familiar."

"Could be. I lived here for eighteen years or so." I need to go. Collin needs me. "I'm Astoreth, nice to meet you and all, but I really have to go."

"Oh, of _course_. The antisocial mystery orphan." He continues eating, an amused look on his face.

I had no idea other mages thought of me like this. Actually, I can think of no reason why this guy should know of my existence. Save one: boys are as gossipy as girls. "Yes, that's me, very antisocial. Just for good measure, I'd flip you off too, but I haven't the time. Goodbye now."

"Going already?" The prisoner clicks his tongue. "That's a shame. I could use some company, especially now that Mister Wiggums is dead. My name is Anders."

"Mister Wiggums is dead?" That poor cat probably got killed during the uprising. "Well anyway Anders, I understand you've been alone here for a long time, but I have important things to do." It's like I can feel my baby calling me. And my chest is so _heavy_. "I really, really have to go."

He raises an amused eyebrow. "To the privy?"

"No, I don't have to go like that." I can't help but giggle.

"Then why are you doing the pee-pee dance?" he questions quasi-sternly.

"I'm not-" Actually, I'm hopping from one foot to the other. Oh dear, I _am_ doing the pee-pee dance. I cease my movements and clear my throat. "Are you done eating?"

Anders nods. "Yes. It was a lot better than the usual grub." Clasping his hand to his mouth, he lets out a belch. "Pardon me." His voice may sound the same as Cullen's, but his manner is completely different. He looks a lot different too. A bit similar to Alistair, actually. Just slightly less handsome.

"I helped make it." Or rather, Cullen helped _me_. As a woman, I naturally had to do most of the cooking. I take back the tray and close the hatch again. "I'm glad you enjoyed it. Take care."

A hand closes around my wrist. My eyes follow the course of the arm that is attached to it, along the well-defined muscle of his bicep. Not your average skinny mage. Yum. I find Anders flashing me a charming smile. "You should come by more often."

"Uh..." For some reason, my knees feel weak. What is wrong with me? I should be feeling sad about Jowan being made tranquil, not be charmed by a good-looking mage in a prison cell. "I'm a bit busy, what with this Blight and everything. It was good meeting you."

The mage releases me with a wistful sigh. "Don't mind me then. Goodbye." He waves at me as I walk away. Hm, must be very lonely in there. They don't call it solitary confinement for nothing, after all. It's so funny his voice is like Cullen's. It's not even similar, it's _exactly the same_. What are the odds?

* * *

Cullen has his nose in that book again. This time he's sitting at the table, absently petting Nugget while he reads. Apparently it's so interesting he hasn't even heard me yet. I sneak up behind him and look over his shoulder.

_A delightful shiver coursed through Talia's shapely body as her chevalier blew his hot breath across the sensitive skin of her swan-like neck, one of his strong hands caressing her ample bosom, the other tangled into her raven tresses. Naturally the lady was quick to respond. Wrapping her long legs around his waist, her fragile hands wandered the expanse of Garren's muscular back. Her fingers trembled from exploring the lines of his powerful physique, from feeling his bare skin against her own. _

Why can I not get enough of this man? _Talia mused. Garren was arrogant and not particularly kind to her. Her father despised him, and yet she tied her sheets to the post of her luxurious bed every night to climb from her window and run to the handsome chevalier's mansion as quickly as her dainty feet could carry her. All her thoughts were drowned from her mind when Garren brushed her silk skirts aside and entered her, his rigid manhood throbbing in her delicate heat. Talia uttered a breathless moan, lightly dragging her nails down her lover's back. He responded in kind with a low groan and gentle nibble to her lily-white shoulder. _

Wow. Just, _wow_. Since when do we have stuff like this in our library? And since when do good little templars read smutty novels? I bring my lips close to the templar's ear and whisper: "Boo."

Startled, Cullen shrieks and clutches his heart. "Maker's breath, woman, are you trying to kill me?" His cheeks are red and his breathing shallow and ragged. I'm not sure if it's because I scared him a little. He shoots me a mean glare. "Never sneak up on me like that again."

"I'm sorry, you were so absorbed in your book, I had to see what it was about." I giggle. "Who'd have thought you were into this kind of smut?"

"I'm not!" he says defensively, snapping the book shut. Apparently this fine piece of literature is called _The Rose of Orlais_. It's obviously not about gardening. "It... passes the time, and..." He sighs and rolls his eyes. "Fine, I _love_ it. But don't tell anyone."

I pat him on the shoulder. "Don't worry, your dirty little secret is safe with me." The nug quivers under my hand as I stroke his back. "I have to go. By the way, the knight-commander wanted me to tell you that you have to look after Nugget all by yourself."

"I will." With a slight smile, he picks the animal up and cuddles him. "Thanks again. I really like him."

That's what I like to see. The former love of my life, not looking miserable. Surely a great guy like him deserves to be nothing less than happy. Does he still think of me, I wonder. Probably not the same way he used to. I'm just an old memory from a happier past. But let the past remain the past, so I can focus on the present. "You're welcome. I hope you'll be able to sleep again at some point."

"So do I." Cullen slides back his chair, causing a loud scraping noise, and rises. He loosely wraps his arms around me, patting me on the back. So this is what those awkward man-hugs feel like. Andraste's mercy, he still smells the same. And sleep deprived or no, he is still as handsome as ever. Still the most handsome man I've ever seen. Good thing he's wearing his heavy armour, or I'd be swooning with excitement from feeling his body against mine. His beautiful, marvellous body. Oh, Maker's breath. All too soon the arms around me are gone. "Will you be coming back?"

I shrug and take a step back. My face feels hot. "Maybe, if I have business here. Goodbye."

"Goodbye." He gives my shoulder a brief squeeze. Time to go. No doubt Collin is hungry by now.


	8. Feeding Time

_Finally able to update! My apologies. A new chapter would have been up two days ago, but apparently there were technical difficulties, or something. _

* * *

"Astoreth, help!" Alistair cries as soon as I walk into my room, dragging the crate behind me. "He's been plucking at my shirt for over an hour now, and crying, and _I don't know what to do_!" The Warden seems to be close to tears himself, desperately rocking my wailing child in his arms. He is sitting where Jowan was the night before, with Stubbs curled up at his feet. The dog is a very deep sleeper, it would seem. Poor Jowan. Where before his eyes were the windows to his soul, they are now the windows to a deserted house. The Rite of Tranquillity. Whoever came up with that sick idea?

I sit myself next to the others and take my baby in my arms. Collin immediately lays his little hands on my chest, still crying. "Just a moment, my poor pumpkin." I undo the button at my throat, open my robes to reveal my breast. "There you are." The little one's lips are around my nipple in an instant and his usual silence has returned, the tears already drying on his little face. Whew, that's a relief. I could swear the little one is giving me a look of accusation from his half-closed eyes. "Your mommy is very sorry she left you alone for so long, little darling." Now I'm speaking in third person, even. But at least the baby looks to be appeased. From the corner of my eye I can see that Alistair has his hand covering his eyes, dark red spots on his cheeks. "It's fine Alistair, you can look."

"But, but your... you know, are uncovered!" he squeaks, only pressing his hand closer against his eyes.

Heh, he's so adorable. "My what? Breasts? Boobies? Hooters? Knockers? Tits? Ju..."

"Okay, okay!" With a sigh he lowers his hand, but keeps his eyes averted. "Breasts, then. Your breasts are uncovered."

"Don't fret, it's only one." Then it hits me. "You've never actually seen bare breasts before, have you?"

Immediately Alistair turns his head away, mumbling something that sounds a lot like "no", followed by several excuses. His cheeks have turned even redder.

I elbow him in the side. "No need to be embarrassed about that. How many naked bosoms does one get to see in a Chantry, after all?" It's not like it's an Antivan whorehouse. Which reminds me, Zevran grew up in a whorehouse. Interesting. Don't forget to ask about that.

"None. Zip. Zero." The Warden turns his face in my direction. Briefly his eyes stray below my face and lo and behold, the poor thing turns almost literally as red as a poppy.

"Well, then I'm sorry to have ruined the experience for you by having a baby attached to it." I run my fingers through Collin's fluffy hair. It's so soft. Everything about him is soft.

My poor colleague swallows. "It's uh, it's fine. They are not for my eyes anyway." For a moment he fidgets about nervously. "Look, I don't really feel like talking about anything, but do you mind if I stay here with you tonight?"

"No problem, be my guest." With my child done feeding, I lay him over my shoulder again for a loud burp. "That's my good boy." He's asleep even before I've had the time to let him rest on my lap. Isn't he just precious?

How very bold. With wide eyes, my fellow Warden is now openly looking at my bare breast, no longer partially covered by the baby. "I think... I think I like breasts. That one looks nice anyhow," he says with a quivering voice.

"Thank you. Now for further reference..." I bare the other one as well. I must've gone mad, showing myself to Alistair like this. Still, I feel sorry for him, twenty-something years old and never seen boobies. That's just plain sad. What are friends for, if not to help one another gain experience? Or maybe I'm just a filthy exhibitionist, that is also a possibility.

He gulps audibly. "They're both equally nice." His voice comes out in a high-pitched squeak. "I mean..." He clears his throat and purposely deepens his voice. "They're both equally nice."

"Thanks." I put my chest back where it belongs: safely hidden behind fabric. "Oh, one thing though: I'm probably going to have to sleep naked."

"N-n-naked? As in without clothing?" he stammers. "That... I... Why?"

I shrug. "My nightshirt is filthy. I need to wash it, or find another."

He promptly pulls his shirt over his head and hands it to me. "You can wear mine."

"Aw, thank you." I hand him soundly sleeping Collin. "Watch him while I get changed, will you?"

With a nod he takes the baby in his arms and pretends to intently look at him. I say pretend, because I can see his eyes sometimes flitting in my direction. With my back turned to him, I open my robes and slide them down my hips. When the folds of fabric are pooled around my ankles, I can feel his gaze burning into my skin. His eyes trace every mark on my body, the scars on my back, the curve of my behind. A searing heat is left in their wake. Mind you, I have no idea of knowing if he actually is watching me. Perhaps I'm just being fanciful, flattering myself into thinking I'm worth looking at. Then again, I have been told I am beautiful, and Alistair has never really seen a naked woman. If I were him, I'd be feasting my eyes out of their sockets right now. Even with me being an imperfect specimen.

Poor Jowan. He so often called me perfect, his princess. I love him dearly, and I always will, but why am I not feeling sad about him becoming an empty shell of what he used to be? Am I becoming too accustomed to losing people, to seeing death? Such a terrible thing to become used to. Maybe it needs some time to sink in. Maybe I'm just a cold, heartless bitch now. We'll see. I randomly toss my brassiere on the floor and slip Alistair's shirt on over my head. How delightfully fragrant. I can't compare this smell to anything, but I like it. Huh. This shirt is big enough for two of me. "Say, why are there no laces on this thing?"

"I wear armour, it's not like anyone will ever see what I have on underneath. Those laces were itchy, so I took them out," he replies.

"Very well." I turn around. The shirt reaches all the way down to my knees and the arms are way too long. I feel silly. "It looks better on you, I'm afraid."

For a moment, the Warden's eyes widen as he catches a glimpse of my bust, exposed quite far because of the lack of laces. "No, it doesn't." He reflexively licks his lips. "Ah, see this is why I'll miss Jowan. Who am I going to tell about how good you look in my shirt?"

"I'm quite sure Zevran would be interested." I am handed my little boy again; cradling Collin to my chest, I steal a sheet from the bed, as well as the pillow Alistair isn't using. The crate goes on the floor, next to my side of the bed. The folded sheet works great as a lining, the pillow the right size to fit in there. Still sleeping soundly, my little pumpkin doesn't seem to mind his makeshift bed. From my pack I take a spare blanket and lay it over him. There.

I jump into bed and cuddle up to my friend. I rather like how he's shirtless. "You have a lot of hair." My fingers run through the narrow line down his stomach. Those abs of his are gorgeous. I wish mine weren't lost in a mass of fat and skin. Not that I need to have a sexy washboard like this, but I would like to return my belly to the way it was pre-Collin.

"Well, if it bothers you, you'd better give me back my shirt," he returns defensively.

"Oh, no." I smile up at him. "I used to have this stuffed animal, a bear. He was my favourite toy; I'd hugged him so often, most of his fur had worn off. You rather remind me of him." I reach out to briefly stroke his cheek. "Except that you are a lot better-looking, of course."

Looking up, I see his face has coloured red again. "Oh, uhm, thank you. You're not going to hug me so often, _my_ fur will wear off, are you?" He chuckles awkwardly.

"I might." I wrap my arms around his waist to get even closer to him. "Especially if you intend to spend the night with me more often."

"Oh, about that. I should probably take off my pants so I can actually get comfortable."

I untangle my body from around his. "That is probably a good idea, yes."

Alistair steps away from the bed, back turned towards me. My, as if the front wasn't spectacular enough, his backside is just as appealing. Well-defined muscles in his back, a scar here and there. A beautiful man. Oh, and there go the pants. I feel the strong urge to reach out and give his butt a good pinch. It has this inviting look to it. Ah, well. I don't understand myself sometimes. I lost my dearest friend today, and yet, I'm here contemplating how nice Alistair's bum looks. I should be sad but I'm not. You're a terrible person, Astoreth. Just terrible. Shame on you.

Suddenly he turns, so abruptly I have no time to avert my eyes and pretend I wasn't staring at him at all. "Were you looking at me all this time?" His voice carries a slight tone of accusation.

"Uhm..." I smile sheepishly. "You never said I couldn't."

He shrugs. "That'll teach me." Turning up the covers, he slides underneath them. "I'm a bit tired. Aren't you tired?" With a loud yawn, he stretches his arms above his head.

"Yes, I am." Yesterday I couldn't sleep, so of course I'm a bit sleepy now. I crawl under the covers as well and get very, very close to my fellow Warden. "Goodnight." I press a soft kiss to his chest.

"Sweet dreams, little Warden," he mumbles. Well, if I'm pressed against a man this hot, how could my dreams _not_ be sweet? Oh yeah, because Jowan is to be made Tranquil. Good reason.


	9. What Could Have Been

_Sorry 'bout the lack of updates, but that seriously wasn't my fault. Technical difficulties on this site. _  


* * *

"…the opposing force of Creation; for this reason it is often called the School of Negation," a bored voice drones.

I raise my head off my arms and look around. Well, this is familiar. The rickety desk, old senior enchanter Sweeney lecturing. _He_ doesn't even sound convinced. A piece of paper is pushed into my hand and I look off to the side. My heart begins pounding in my chest.

There's Jowan, smiling at me with sparkling eyes. He looks younger and carefree. His hand reaches out to wrap around mine. I unfold the paper and find that it's covered in scribbled hearts. Large hearts, small hearts. How cute. An involuntary giggle escapes me.

The uninterested drone in the background abruptly stops. "Astoreth, Jowan!" the lecturer calls in a warning manner. "To Greagoir's office!"

For just a giggle? "But I…"

"No buts!" The old man seems to be torn between feeling angry or endeared. "You two are always exchanging notes, you never pay attention. Adorable as that may be, this isn't the time for romance. This is the time for study. Out!"

Jowan is already standing next to my desk, graciously helping me out of my chair. "Come, Tori. Let's just go." He smiles at me affectionately. Apparently my dear doesn't care we are being sent to the dreaded knight-commander.

We are followed by whistling and cheering from the other pupils whilst we walk out of the room, his arm possessively wrapped around my waist. Shut up, you guys.

On the way we run into a familiar face. "Hello, lovebirds." Cullen chuckles. "What are you two doing here, in the middle of a class?" The tone of his voice suggests he knows damned well why we're here. Ah, Cullen. He looks so sexy in that armour. And even more so without it. Were it up to me, templars would be standing guard in nothing but a nice pair of pants. They're all in fine shape, I hear. Rawr. Some of them might require a paper bag over the head though. Just saying.

"As if you don't know." Jowan laughs happily. "We got kicked out and sent to Greagoir."

I sigh. "You know, it might help if you didn't send me notes." It's only a dream, but it's a good dream. I like it; it's all so cute and innocent. Puppy love.

"You'd better get going, or you will get in even more trouble," the templar warns. "Off you go."

Our knock on Greagoir's door is answered with a stern "Enter!". Here goes.

"Ah, it's you," the man says as soon as he sees us, looking up from a stack of papers on his desk. "You children are becoming regulars here." The knight-commander sighs in exasperation. "What am I to do with you?"

Jowan grins. "Well ser, perhaps you could let us off with a warning?"

"No, that simply won't do." Greagoir shakes his head. "You should learn to pursue your dalliance in your own time. Jowan, you will clean the privies today and Astoreth..."

"No!" my darling interrupts the templar. "It was all my fault. I'll do whatever you assign her with."

Greagoir raises his bushy eyebrows. "Certainly not. Scrubbing the women's washing facilities will be your task, young lady." He dismisses us with a curt hand gesture.

"I'm so sorry I got you into this," Jowan whispers pitifully after closing the door behind him. "Really." He wraps his arms around me in a tight hug. I feel safe here, loved. Warm and fuzzy.

"It's fine, Jowse. At least I don't have to clean the privies." I bet this nice smell on him will have changed when he's done with his task. "Thanks for offering to take over from me."

The boy chuckles, his breath ruffling my hair. "You're my girl, I have to look out for you." His grip on me loosens, one hand cups my chin to tilt my head upward. "I-I love you, Tori." For some reason he sounds nervous, eyes darting back and forth. This is probably the first time he's worked up the guts to say it.

I smile and caress his face. "I love you too."

Those four words are rewarded with a soft, sweet kiss; warm lips against mine, hands low on my back. My slipping my tongue into his mouth causes a surprised moan and the familiar sensation of something hard pressing against my stomach.

"I'm so happy you feel the same," Jowan sighs as our mouths detach from each other. "I was afraid to tell you." His cheeks turn a lovely shade of red upon feeling my fingers brush his hard-on. "I-I'm sorry."

"That's all right." I pat him on the shoulder. "It's only natural."

A bright smile appears on his face, a relieved expression in his pale blue eyes. "Good, glad you don't mind." He swallows and clears his throat. "Well, I uh, I better get to work. Those privies won't clean themselves. See you tomorrow." A little peck on my cheek and he quickly walks away.

Yeah, I suppose the same goes for the women's bathroom. Oh joy of joys. Even in sweet dreams I have to do unpleasant things. Just so you know, Fade: sometimes you can take your realism a bit too far. But I'll humour you; I'm curious to see what will happen next.

Cullen is still where we left him. "Miss Amell." He nods politely. "What did Greagoir say?"

"Meh, Jowan's cleaning the privies and I'm on my way to clean the women's bathroom." I roll my eyes. "All this for a note that only contained a bunch of hearts."

"Hearts?" The templar laughs. "It's good you have each other, you know. This isn't exactly a happy place." He sighs, his expression suddenly more serious. "For all the Chantry says about mages, you are an awfully well-behaved lot."

Poor thing. He looks so bored. This time I have no candy to distract him with. "Hoping for an abomination to slay?" Be careful what you wish for.

"Oh no, certainly not!" he speaks in a shocked voice, waving his hand dismissively. "I try to do my duty to the Maker first and foremost, but a little excitement wouldn't hurt." Cullen grins charmingly. How handsome he looks. Rather out of character though; I remember him as painfully shy. Well, at least he was at first. Good times.

"Well, I think that someone who is free to go outside shouldn't complain so much." I give him a little wink. "See you around, Cullen."

The templar smiles, his warm brown eyes narrowing. "Good day, miss Amell."

"Please, call me Astoreth."

"Right." His smile turns a little wider. "Good day, Astoreth." At least I brightened _someone's_ day. It's nice not being awkward around him. Just like earlier today. I would like to be friends with the lad.

Gah, would you look at this place? Aren't women supposed to be clean and neat? A bunch of slobs is what the women who live here are. I roll up my sleeves and get started on my task. Maker's mercy. My hands are numb, the rag I've been using nearly worn away, but at least the bathroom is clean now. Well, clean-ish. It will have to do. Ow, my back! Time to stumble to the sleeping quarters and lie down a bit. Why have I even done this? This dream's not so nice anymore. It's just like the old days in the tower, but slightly worse thanks to my silly boyfriend. Bah, humbug.

* * *

_Not the end of this instalment yet. The dream was too long for a single chapter. _


	10. What Could Have Been 2

Everyone is already sleeping, so I undress silently and quickly. The nightgown I'd been wearing for years, a simple white shift, slides easily over my head. Not being pregnant is so convenient. I settle into bed. This is nice.

I'm busily drifting off when I feel pressure on the right side of the bed, a warm body cuddling up to me. "Tori? Are you asleep?" Jowan whispers tentatively. His hand traces the line of my side, my waist, my hip. There are no robes covering him, only a thin pair of loose pants. I feel their breezy fabric against my bare legs.

"No, not yet." I roll over. The darkness prevents me from seeing him. "What are you doing here?"

His lips briefly touch mine. "I couldn't sleep. Just the thought of you drives me crazy; I'm constantly hot, butterflies in my stomach." He grabs my hand to place it on his crotch. Mmm, oh my. So hard. Poor thing must've been stewing for a while. Earlier he was so shy, and now he's letting me feel him up. "This is what you do to me, little princess. Would you..." His voice falters and he swallows thickly. "Would you consider giving yourself to me?"

Heh, I should've known this dream wouldn't stay innocent for too long. That's just the way I am. Apparently we're both virgins. This is going to be good. "I'm all yours. Come here." I pull my sweetie onto me, his heat burning through my nightgown. Before long we're kissing feverishly, tongues intertwined. His gently stroking hands are shaking, and for some reason, I'm a little nervous too. Why? I've done this dozens of times. It feels different now though, as if this is really my first time. How it should've been. Who I should've been with. Sadly there is no way to turn back time.

"You're beautiful, Tori," my lover whispers heatedly into my ear. He moans softly as he carefully cups my breast. "I've wanted to do this for so long." His fingers knead me hesitantly, unsure what to do. How neat that I get to experience this too; by the time Jowan and I got together, he was already very experienced. And so was I. "Are you sure you want to do this? I don't want to put any pressure on you. After all, you're still so young." His voice sounds so tender it nearly makes me cry.

How old would I be? Old enough to have breasts. Old enough for Cullen to already be here. Which makes me at least fourteen. That's quite young, but when you're ready, you're ready. At this age I was already fantasizing about sex. With this guy, as it so happens. "Of course I'm sure. Just try to be careful, please?" Acting all innocent is so much fun.

"I would never hurt you," he murmurs. "You are my precious treasure and I'll treat you as such." How sweet; hearing this makes me so happy. His lips trail down my neck, his hands slowly pulling up my shift. Soon the garment is casually thrown away and his warm body pressed against mine. "Wow." His breathing becomes quicker.

"What's the matter?" I run my hands through his hair.

Jowan makes a low chuckling noise. "Well, I've come to the conclusion that I really like boobies."

It's really hard not to laugh out loud at the utter cuteness of this. "You've never felt them before?" I can't believe I'm such an uptight bitch about that. Young Astoreth is such a prude.

"No, I didn't want to push you. You know you're my first girlfriend." He showers my face with little kisses. "And hopefully my last." Poor Jowan. He has no idea how right he is about that.

I shouldn't be sad now; it's not the right time. "Well, you have the opportunity to explore to your heart's content." I place his hand on my breast.

"Ooh, it's even better without the shirt!" he whispers in delight, squeezing enthusiastically. His movements are so adorable and inexperienced, a bit clumsy even. My heart is flowing over with affection. But he doesn't have to be the only one doing a bit of exploration.

I stick my hand into his trousers, down his smallclothes. There I find something very hard and very interesting. Mmm, even at his tender age he's already so well-developed. My intimate muscles spasm, yearning to have him inside of me. A sharp gasp exits his mouth as I squeeze into his erection.

"Tori," he whimpers. "Can I put it in? Please?" I'd expected him to want to play more, to give the both of us a chance to get to know each other's body. "_Please_?" he repeats. "I don't think I can wait any longer. _I need you_." His voice is a frantic plea, his hands already eagerly pulling down my panties. And to be perfectly honest, I can't wait either. So I let him take that last piece of clothing off me, then help him remove his.

Fully naked Jowan is lying between my legs, his hard-on tapping against my tummy. I'm so nervous, and I don't even know why. It must be the atmosphere, the intimacy... And the thirty or so mages sleeping all around us. Dream or no, they will probably cause a fuss if they catch us.

A shiver travels down my spine with his tip rubbing against my wetness. "I can't really find it," he mutters.

"Let me help." I grab him at the base and guide the first inch into me. Uh oh, this might hurt a little. He's so big, and I seem to be a lot smaller. "Please be gentle." This time I mean it.

I hear a low groan somewhere above me. "Maker's breath, Tori, you feel good." Wow, he appears to be speaking from between clenched teeth. "Don't worry, I'll be careful." True to his word, my beloved begins pushing himself into me ever so slowly. Every tiny bloody bit of him stretches me almost unbearably far, but because of the care he takes not to hurt me, I feel hardly any pain. It's not completely painless though.

"Jowan," I breathe into his ear. "You're _huge_!" It's almost too much for me. Not quite, but almost.

"I'm hurting you, aren't I?" His voice sounds sad and worried. "Would you rather we wait?"

I wrap my legs loosely around his waist. "No, that's out of the question. You're already halfway there; just keep going. I will be fine."

"If you say so, my love." Continuing on the same course, our mouths find each other to kiss passionately. As if that's not distracting enough, his fingers close around my nipple and squeeze it gently. I moan into his mouth under his tender attentions. "There, it's done," he finally utters in a breathless groan. His fine organ is buried in me to the root.

"Stay still, let me get used to you." Goodness, I'm filled to the brim. Flowing over, more like. "Tell me, how does it feel to be in me?"

His cheek is pressed against mine; I can hear his ragged breathing in my ear. "You're so... So... I..." So good he can't even think straight. Yay. "Really, really nice!" he manages to choke out eventually.

"Good. I think I'm ready." Now that I've adjusted to him, he feels amazing as usual. I pull my muscles tightly around him to hear my lover gasp in surprise. "Make love to me." My voice is a hoarse whisper.

Slowly and carefully Jowan pulls out a little, then pushes himself back in. His low whimpering and fierce throbbing tell me the poor boy is having quite a difficult time holding back from climaxing. Ah, that magical first time. Awkward and clumsy, but nice.

"Try making longer strokes, darling," I urge him.

"I can't!" he groans. "It's so hard not to... Oh darn, here it goes already." Mewling like a little puppy, he finishes. Damn, I wish I could see in the dark. It must've looked so precious. Soon he collapses next to me. His hand reaches for mine, and so we lie in the dark, fingers threaded together. "This is a good dream," he drawls sleepily. "It was nice seeing you the way you used to be."

My free hand roams his arm. The skin is smooth and unmarred. "And you've not dabbled in blood magic yet."

"Nope," he chuckles. "Too bad it will all be over the moment this dream ends. Tomorrow I'll be made tranquil, and you are all grown up, mother to a cute little boy." A long, sad sigh. "I wanted to use my magic while I still had it, one grand act of defiance, or something. So the reason I created this dream and summoned you here..."

"You summoned me here? Whoa!" I can't believe it. "How did you do that?"

For a moment he is silent. "I'm not quite sure. Just thought of you very long and hard before I fell asleep, I suppose. I wanted to show you..." He sighs. "I don't know what exactly I wanted to show you, I just wanted to see you one last time in a nice, familiar setting. And tell you not to worry, or to feel bad about what is going to happen to me."

"So this is really you. Not some illusion." Amazing. That... Is this possible because of the strong connection between us? "Would you believe me if I told you I'm not worried, and that I don't feel bad at all? I'm terrible, aren't I?"

Jowan softly presses his lips to my cheek. "No, you're not. You've simply becoming more practical; in your heart you know that I deserve to be an empty shell after all those stupid things I've done. At least now I will still be useful to the Circle." He chuckles wryly. "All I wanted was to return, after all."

"And now you have. Alistair misses you, by the way. He wants you to know I look really good in his shirt."

He laughs happily. "Ah, good old Alistair. You'd even look good in a burlap sack, though."

I wrap my arms around him as tightly as possible. "I love you so much."

A low chuckle tickles my ear. "And how much is that, exactly?"

"Enough to flood all of Thedas with." I have my poetic moments.

"Wow." Next to me I hear a content sigh. "That's a whole lot of love."

I chuckle. "Damn right. And it's all for you." I nestle up to him, burying my face in his neck. "I can't help but wonder when I'll break down. Losing you... You've been my friend all my life, and now you're my lover. You mean the world to me."

"You won't break down." His fingers softly caress my cheek. "You've become strong, stronger than you think. Have faith in yourself, Tori."

"If you say so, Jowse, I will." I breathe in his scent for the very last time. "Goodbye, my love."

He chuckles and presses his lips to the top of my head. "We've already said goodbye, princess. Don't forget your promise."

"As if I ever could." I'm not really looking forward to seeing him in his new state. "I keep my promises, you know that."

"Indeed I do." A long yawn escapes him. "How about you and I take one last nap together?"

"Yeah." I can't help but smile. "A nap sounds good." I close my eyes.

Goodbye, Jowan. Goodbye, my dearest friend. Goodbye, my beloved. I will never forget you.

* * *

_Thanks for reading. This is my very last piece of writing, I fear. It takes up too much of my time and energy, and I really can't find the joy in it anymore. So remember this day, April 1st 2011, as Natmonkey's last day as a fanfic writer. Again, thank you all for reading.  
_


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